Gaining Agreement

AgreementGaining Agreement

You may have noticed that people around you appear to continually disagree with each other, even though you know they want the same thing  really. Sometimes this is because people are operating at a different “chunk size”. They are filtering the huge amount of information that comes into their brain in different ways depending on whether they want to know the BIG picture or the DETAIL. Let me give you examples. I saw two people recently who were struggling to communicate well with others. Inevitably they both thought that they were right, but here’s the thing- the meaning of your communication is the result that you get AND you have 100% responsibility for your communication. So here are two examples:

1. Someone who was in partnership with a colleague and they argued a lot. The one partner was very focused on goals and the reason for being in partnership, whereas the other partner needed to know the detail of what he was doing and didn’t really need to know the big picture. So they continually had conversations where one wanted to know whether they had reached a target and the other one was focused on making phonecalls to get work for the company at a detailed level. And they were driving each other mad- literally.

2. Someone who’s mother was very negative about most things whereas the daughter just wanted to get on with her life and be happy. When the daughter tried to make suggestions and say that there were choices, the mother became more agitated and the daughter became frustrated.

Here’s one solution:-

Find a level at which people can agree. In both of the examples, if the two people agreed on the big picture (at a high chunk size) then that would have been “better” communication. In the first case, they could have agreed that they wanted the company to succeed and in the second case that both wanted to be happy. It is then possible to get more specific (reduce the chunk size) and see if agreement is still possible. So, in order for the company to succeed, the two partners could have agreed that they were both different and that they needed to find a way of working together for success. The mum and daughter could have agreed that happiness meant different things to them and that they could still respect each other’s model of the world. Staying at a more general level usually means that more agreement is possible.

Here’s an exercise for you to do. Click on the picture below to access it

Agreement

Let me know if you want any help with this and any comments and examples would be useful.

Dr Bridget

What if ?? An interesting question

what if things go rightif it all goes wrong

 

How interesting !! I like to base my posts on personal experiences and I was sitting next to my mother having a chat when “What if” ? became a topic  of conversation. We  seem to have a interestingly different perception of the question ! And I was wondering what your view is. Let me explain.  I am a person that thinks of many possibilities for what I want to do. My coach, Dianne Lowther, at Brilliant Minds will agree with this as she sees her role as keeping me on track in my business while I gather in endless possibilities for action and can get overwhelmed and overworked. I feel excited by possibilities. Mum has grown up during the war and is now living on her own and her “What if’s” tend to be “what if there’s no food?”, “what if I fall over and cant get up?” And it all comes down to security and survival which is fine. I guess, having done a lot of work on myself, I am focussing on enjoying the moment and looking forward to my future. Although I have to say I have the occasional, “what if my husband falls of his motorbike?” moments as he is such an important part of my life.

How about you? Do you focus on security and keeping yourself safe or do you focus on the exciting possibilities for your life, or some of each. What I’d like to invite you to do today is to take a moment and imagine something that youve always wanted happening in your life. Then click on this link and do the exercise here. “What if” Exercise

Then ask yourself whether anything has changed now? What will you do or think differently? And what action are you going to take- I’d love to hear so please comment on the post or send me an e mail.

Dr Bridget

Accepting help- good thing or bad thing?

accepting helpAccepting help is OK.  One of my friends and colleagues recently asked for help from any of her friends who could help her to get the children to after school club because she was running her business and was committed to working. She had several offers straight away and the kids went to their club.

On the other hand, I’ve had several clients and friends who have been offered help and have felt that they  shouldn’t accept because they are “being a nuisance”. So there are probably people all over the world who have been offered help and then “Mind Read” the other persons intentions.

So I thought that I’d have a think about what’s going on for people that don’t accept help. Here are some possibilities:

  • They feel “smaller” than the person who has offered and don’t have self-worth to be able to accept with confidence. (Perhaps they feel a nuisance)
  • They are not “in charge of their world” and are at the mercy of negative thoughts and past experiences
  • They think that everyone is the same as them and maybe this colours their view of reality. An example of that is when this person has struggled to help someone else and they now feel that others will struggle as they did.
  • They will feel “bad” if someone has changed their mind, so they had better not risk it. They think that people didn’t mean the offer of help.

Conversely, here’s a view of how to accept help:

  • Accept that people are sincere in their offer: they mean it. If they offered to help and didn’t mean it, thats their “stuff”, not yours.
  • The responsibility falls on you, not on them, to follow-up. So if someone has offered, take them up on it- they will probably be thrilled.
  • The best way to take them up on their offer is to give them a specific task to do. Sometimes people are unsure how to help and need to know. So “Can you have a look at my web site in the next week and tell me what you think?” or “It would be great if you give me a testimonial as you seem to have benefited greatly from my coaching”
  • Don’t take it personally if they can’t help and say no. There’s usually a very good reaon which is nothing to do with you.
  • Take charge of your life and the results that you get. Its OK to ask for help- it shows strength and confidence and will feel good. So, have a think and write down the thoughts that come into your mind when you are offered help
  • Thank the people that have helped you- send them a thankyou card or small present

Here’s an exercise for you to reflect on how you accept help.

Click on the link here. Accepting help

I’d love to hear from you if you are having problems accepting help or if you have any comments to share and remember that you can always book a free 1/2 with me to discuss. logo-timetrade

 

 

 

Does luck play a part in your success?

Good luckI was in the car with my husband the other day and we were talking about my business.

I was quite shocked when he said to me, “that was lucky meeting that person”.  It started me thinking about luck and I scribbled it down to write a blog about. 

My gut reaction was “There’s no such thing as luck” and then I thought “Do we just create our own luck?”so I decided to look up a definition and here it is.

Luck or chance is an event which occurs beyond one’s control, without regard to one’s will, intention, or desired result”. So that definition backed up my gut reaction. I think that you create your own luck if you have  the following:-

  • A purpose for your life
  • A set of carefully constructed,compelling goals
  • An action plan
  • A true belief in yourself and your ability to influence the world around you

I have a passion and a mission to support everyone to reach their full potential and be successful in whatever way that means to them . I have a plan to achieve that and really compelling goals and an action plan, so when I met that person, I felt that I had helped that to come about myself and that I have created my own luck. Of course, I have wobbles and times when things don’t happen, but I think that this is when I lose sight of my purpose, my goals and I only make a half-hearted attempt to take action. Its a strategy that doesnt work!

I’m really interested in your thoughts on this so send me comments and let’s get a conversation going. How do you make your luck and how do you scupper your luck?

If you’d like to discuss this more you  can have a free chat with Dr Bridget by clicking on this link   

 logo-timetrade. Look forward to catching up with you soon
 
Dr Bridget
 

 

 

 

Understanding self-sabotage

 How to avoid self-sabotage 

I’ve recently read a book called “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks and so many parts of this book rang true for me that I thought I’d share my learnings.

Let’s take a scenario of:-

I’m there, or nearly there!

Fabulous!

Now I come from a place where I have the knowledge that “everyone has all of the resources that they need and are doing the best they can with them”.

It’s a fundamental assumption that provides me with certainty, curiosity and downright interest!

While you are doing the best you can with all of your available resources, some of those resources can be a nuisance!

Because, here’s The Thing!

Some of those resources that you are working with can lead you to self-sabotage.

That’s right- self-sabotage!

So what are the reasons that we might self-sabotage?

Gay Hendricks says that we all have an Upper Limit Problem, a ULP, and that there are usually 4 Hidden Barriers to achieving more success. Whatever you are doing and whatever stage you are at, these 4 hidden barriers are there. So you might as well know about them as they will probably be what you use to do the self-sabotage.

1.      The feeling of being fundamentally flawed

2.      Disloyalty and Abandonment

3.      Believing that more success brings a greater burden

4.      The crime of outshining

 

 1.      Feeling fundamentally flawed

This is the feeling that you can’t expand to be the greatest you can be, because you are fundamentally flawed. So when you grow and feel you can be even more successful in life, there’s always that little voice saying that you shouldn’t be this happy because there’s something wrong with you. This means that you have conflict in your mind – part of you thinks you can do it and part of you thinks that you can’t. The answer to this is to just call that voice an Upper Limit Bug and not to accept it, as it is false.

Be in charge of your journey and be mindful that other people may have given you this flaw and throw it out. Say thanks very much but it no longer serves me!

 2.      Disloyalty and Abandonment

I can’t be the best I can be because that means that I would end up alone. I would be untrue to my upbringing and leave behind the people from the past. Maybe you feel that you are not meeting your parent’s expectations or haven broken a set of rules that you grew up with.  This means that you will think there is a cost to moving forwards. This is also associated with guilt and a yo-yoing between success and self-punishment. You may notice that the people that you have associated with in the past may say “Who does she think she is”. Just thank them and find yourself some supportive people who are excited for your future.

 3.      Believing more success means a bigger burden

This often goes back to a time in the past where we have been successful and it has created problems. For instance maybe if you did well in school, your parents had to find money to send you to a different school. Or maybe passing exams or being good at school meant that you got picked on or bullied and gave you a burden that you could not cope with.

 4.      The crime of outshining

This goes like this. “I can’t expand to my full potential because I would outshine xxx and make them look or feel bad”. It often affects gifted people who were stopped or stopped themselves from shining or enjoying their success. I certainly have experienced this myself when I passed my exams well and I was told that my sibling would be upset if I said too much. I’ve only recently got rid of this- it had been stopping me from being a success doing what I was passionate about!

So when you change and move forward, any of these may kick in. I expect that now you know this, you can spot this in your past and will be able to notice it in the future. And you may have more than one of them!

Recognising and accepting that these things happen are the 1st step towards getting rid of the fundamental flaws. Journal and ask yourself whether the beliefs are true or false and move forward in that knowledge. Help from an NLP coach may be needed if you keep banging against these flaws when you try and move forward.

 

Remember, you are a person who deserves to be who you want to be!

 Go for it!!

 

 

This post has been written as part of the I AM WOMAN 30 day blog and LinkedIn challenge

It’s OK to make a fuss!

making a fuss pictureDo you think it’s Ok to make a fuss?

 

 

What is a fuss?

This is a really interesting  thing that I talk about with many of my clients!

I was recently talking to someone who felt that they had to keep the peace, and that meant that they

didn’t stand up for themselves when when people crossed their boundaries and made them feel

uncomfortable.

We eventually discovered that it dated way back to when she was seven. She made a fuss when she felt

that she had been treated unfairlyand the consequences  were quite traumatic !

What this means for her to be content and fulfilled, now and in the future, is that she needed to know

what was important to her and then to be be able to develop a belief  that she could be who she was.

Then it was also important to be able to develop the skill of feedback.

Because, here’s the thing!

– She had a belief that she wasn’t important.

-She had made a decision that she couldn’t stand up for herself without everything falling apart

-She also felt unable to experiment with giving feedback and people being ok with how she felt.

I always teach my clients how to feedback in a way that expresses how they are feeling, rather than it

being about who the other person is. After all, we know people aren’t their behaviours, they are just a

result of all of the filtering that we do in our brain, in order to be able to manage all of the information

coming in. The filtering happens as a result of many programmes, memories, values, beliefs and decisions

which lead to us all having a different “Model of the World”.

Now that I have your interest, you can read more about this by downloading a pdf of “how we get results”

 here.

We also did some deeper work on her belief that she wasn’t important and that she couldn’t tell people

how she felt and it be ok.

She’s now feeding back to people who are changing their behaviour , now that they know. And isn’t it

interesting that people didn’t know how she felt until she told them. And she feels fine about it because

she knows that it is important to her to be able to do this. Whether you call this making a fuss or not is

a personal thing and doesnt really matter as long as she is happy with who she is.

I’d love to have comments and for you to  download the pdf on the link above which will tell you more about how everyone

works differently and why.

If you’d lilke to have a copy of my 5 steps to feedback, send me an e-mail to

enquiries@onelife-lifecoaching.c0.uk and I’ll send you a copy.

Happy Reading and catch you next time.

 

 

Commitment

How do you rate your level of commitment?

Do you start things and never finish them?

Do you notice others getting their head down till they’ve done what they want to achieve and wondered how they did it?

I know I’ve made some huge strides in this area recently.

When I did my Master NLP training, I broke a board with my hand but it took a while to do as I wasn’t really fully committed!

I had worked out what makes my day perfect and have tried my best to do it, but I wasn’t really committed

Those of you  who know me will say- “You say that there’s no such thing as failure, only learning”

And I’ve recently learned!

I went to Jairek Robbins day in London called “How to get results fast”

I broke an arrow with my throat against a wall and did it straight away. (Haven’t got a picture I’m afraid).

How committed is that!!!

Because it felt so good to know I can achieve what I want, I am now fully committed to several things:

  • I am committed to doing my absolute best for my clients, in particular those who are in the  midst of family turmoil!!
  • I am committed to doing my perfect day every day!!
  • I’m committed to being me and the best I can be!!

What will you commit to today?

Choose one thing to commit to , just do it and then notice how good that feels!! 

Then carry on and keep committing to what is really important to you!

Post a comment on what you are committed to and how it is going for you!

Catch  up with you soon

Dr Bridget